me and told me, "I feel
really discouraged. None of
my wishes ever come true.
No matter what I try,
nothing ever comes of
them. They're just wishes
and hopes that never come
true. Help!" He told me
he's tired of the "Same
Old-Same Old", but
doesn't know how to turn
his wishes into reality. That
is the subject for this
column. Here's my advice
to him:
See your desires as goals,
not wishes. Wishes imply
that you need the Good
Fairy to waive his magic
wand and make it happen.
No offense, but you can't
always count on Good
Fairies to come along when
you need them. By seeing
your desires as goals, you
reframe them into
something that you have
more control over. They
don't seem so distant this
way. Let's look at how you
can achieve these goals.
Change comes gradually.
Break your goals down into
easy-to-do steps. For
example, "save up money
to buy a condo"; what are
the steps you'd need to
take in order to begin to
make this a reality? If you
don't break down your
goals into steps you can
actually do, the goals will
always elude you. No one
can take on a huge goal
like buying a condo
without planning. Your first
step may be to make a
budget, another could be
to look at condo prices in
the neighborhoods you
want to live in. If you have
a habit of being bad with
money, then you may need
to look at that and do
some work with that
before you begin saving
money. Many people
subconsciously don't think
they deserve to have a nice
home, beautiful car, big
bank account, etc. On
some level, they may be
punishing themselves for
something in the past. I'm
talking about getting clear
on the obstacles in the way
of reaching your goal(s).
Identify the obstacles in
your way
When I work with clients
on goals, it is crucial to
look at the obstacles in the
way. For example, what has
stopped you in the past
from saving money, or
volunteering, or eating
better? Take each goal and
ask yourself, "In the past,
what has stopped me from
achieving this?" and write it
down. In therapy, I help my
clients to chip away at the
obstacles, bit by bit. You
can do the same thing on
your own, but it goes much
faster if you get support
from a therapist, friend,
parent, counselor…
someone who will be there
for you to check in and see
how you're doing and to
encourage you when it gets
tough.
Build in a reward system
for yourself
And it WILL get tough.
You've listed some pretty
major goals. It's skillful to
expect that your interest in
achieving your goals will
ebb and flow over time: so
how will you stay
motivated when you feel
discouraged? This is
another obstacle to get
clear about. I suggest you
create a system of rewards
as you progress toward
your goal(s). For example,
after you make a budget,
celebrate! Do something
enjoyable for yourself (it
can be free or inexpensive).
This is simple behavior
modification, and it works.
Reward yourself each step
of the way and you'll find
your progress towards your
goals is both more
pleasurable and
sustainable.
Prioritize
It's doubtful that you can
work on all your goals at
once. Prioritize them. I
encourage my clients to
take their goals and rate
them (#1 is the most
important, #2 is next, etc.).
Start with the goals that
are most important to you;
you'll automatically be
more motivated to work
toward these. Put the less
important ones aside for
now, it's usually best to
focus on no more than 3
goals at a time, otherwise
you dissipate your energy
and are likely to feel
overwhelmed and give up
on all of them.
It is Do-able
Try these ideas and replace
your discouragement and
helplessness with
competence and optimism.
Use these "tools" (or any
other methods that work
for you) and get support
all along the way from
people who love you and
want you to be happy.
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